3. Defining Moments of Resilience: Self Care Is Essential
“THE GREATEST DISCOVERY YOU’LL EVERY MAKE, IS THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR OWN MIND.”
– JOSE SILVA
Self Care Is Essential
If you want your life to look different, you can take positive action to build the life you want. The only way that anything changes are if you change. First comes willingness, and then comes action. Taking action requires commitment. You can get better through continuous practice. By challenging yourself, you can rebuild your resilience reservoir. These challenges can include being more compassionate, mindful, or active.
The Source: Cancer renders you speechless. It makes you go into guardian mode with shields up, ready to do battle with one of the biggest giants on Earth. It causes you to reach deep within to a strength that you didn't even know existed and to know yourself on a much deeper level. You are forced to think about every detail of your life; account passwords, insurance documents, family medical history, ports, PICC lines, DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), beneficiaries, and funeral arrangements. These are decisions that no person is EVER ready to make. It forced me to be present, not just physically but mentally. Resilience isn't something we are born with. Resilience is learned, developed, and cultivated through experience using the skills I've shared in these blog posts. Part of my resilience is growing through life circumstances rather than letting them keep me down.
The big day finally arrived. Leading up to this day, people would approach me and ask, "are you excited?" or "how do you feel?" my programmed response would be, "yes, I'm excited." I would often think, "Of course I'm happy. I'm not going to die in six months." In truth, I was scared shitless. I was extremely nervous and incredibly anxious. I thought I would feel immense joy on that day, but I couldn't seem to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest. In the back of my head were those thoughts of the transplant not being a guarantee. There were possibilities of rejection and organ failures, but the importance of that day can't be put into words. The only way I can describe it is as a day that PROVIDED MORE TOMORROWS. So even if it was just ONE MORE TOMORROW, that was one more than I would have if I didn't go forward in the process. The doctors tell me that my FIRST TOMORROW, September 4, 2014, will be my new birthday, a reBirthday. I will be born again and start a life with a new immune system, my brother's immune system, one that is free of cancer. But before I could start a new life with my new immune system, I had to get my brother down to Charleston.
One would think that this would be a pretty easy task, but not with my family. When you are down and out and face death, the things you find out about people leave a lasting impression. I remember making phone calls back home to tell them that I had cancer. Remember exact words and phrases, especially something my aunt said to me as I fought back the tears while listening to her response that day on the phone "we don't have stuff like that in our family." She then told me how sorry she felt for me and that she promised that they, my two aunts and oldest brother, would "TRY to come to see me." I told them that I would keep them posted and that I was going into the hospital the very next day. As promised, I called and gave them my room and phone number. Unfortunately, none of them made the trip, and the next time I saw them would be from the front pew of the church staring into their caskets. My youngest aunt would die a year later from breast cancer, and my oldest brother would die three months later with heart failure.
The Spark: While unpacking my bathroom, I missed a phone call and heard my roommate scream, "Desi your phone" from the other room. As I dialed the number back, I didn't prepare myself for the news I was about to receive from Mallika. Side note she will always be known to me as Ms. Stubbs. I automatically knew something was wrong. Sometimes you can hear it in people's voices. When I listened to the words, it took me back to dark places in my life I could never get rid of, such as my grandmother fighting breast cancer and losing her breast and to three years ago when the doctors came to the waiting room and told my brother and me our mother had passed away unexpectedly. All of these feelings were the same. I tried not to panic the worst you can do in any situation, but after hanging up, I freaked out. My roommate came to the room and asked if I was okay. I'm not the emotional type, so it freaks people out when they see me cry. I was so down and depressed that even my daily glass of wine couldn't fix the feeling.
Mallika is someone I always listen to and look up to, even when she thinks otherwise. All the advice over the years stuck, such as "everybody won't make it...just make sure it's not you" or me calling you every semester asking what I should do about classes. It's the small things that make you so unique and so great to me. I must admit I am a younger version of you despite how much I might deny it. I hope to find my passion and inspire others around me the way you do in life. This is just a setback for a major comeback. I know you will get through this obstacle. I always ask God the questions of the uncertainty then realize he will never give you things you can't handle. So we all must keep the faith and watch God work. Well, I love you so much. I don't tell you often because we are not mushy folks, but I do. Despite the circumstance, I am excited and cannot wait to see you.
Love your favorite person in the world.
-Desi
The Strategy: Using values as a guidepost is a great way to motivate yourself toward your goals. Having a guidepost is a fantastic tool to implement because it will help during stress, confusion, and decision-making. Your values help you determine how you want to live your life. Having a consistent set of values builds consistent habits and meaning in your life.
Life is more fulfilling when you live a life of passion and purpose. Values build self-confidence and increase your motivation. They can help shed light on your goals when you're unsure what to do. When visualizing your values, it's essential to imagine what they look like in action. Practicing these strategies regularly will help make your thoughts actionable. It's one thing to value patience, but it's another thing to use that value when someone is late to an appointment.
Follow this process to determine your values:
- Make a list of at least ten things you value.
- Next, shorten the list down to 3 - 6 values and begin visualizing them in your daily life.
- Write down each of those 3 - 6 values and put them somewhere where you see each day.
- Check in with yourself and refer to your values frequently to see if you're living up to the commitment you made to yourself.
- If you stray, no judgment, bring yourself back to the center and refocus on your core values.
Establishing your core values helps during times of unrest, chaos, and stress because they give you a guideline for living. Before you make any big decisions, pause in a moment of mindfulness and consult your values. They often offer a more robust perspective. A large part of resilience is seeing the bigger picture. Always consider what you can learn and move from there. Keep these strategies in mind and apply them to all areas of your life. As you think about your goals, keep your values in mind. What are the things you value most? How can you live by those values?
I grew up in poverty during the 80s on the east side of Cleveland during The Crack Epidemic. While most of us commonly associate the crack era with California and Boyz n the Hood or New York and the infamous movie New Jack City. Life for me in Cleveland was not a far cry from the most heinous scene you can think of in either of those movies. Life is rarely perfect, and sometimes it's wildly chaotic, but life is always beautiful. Long before I knew or heard the word resilient used to describe my actions, I tapped into my reliance reservoir, putting the above habits into practice.
The Catalyst Coach
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