2.Defining Moments of Resilience: Honor Your Experiences
“THE MORE IMPORTANT AN ACTIVITY IS TO YOUR SOULS EVOLUTION…THE MORE RESISTANCE YOU’LL FEEL TO IT. THE MORE FEAR YOU’LL FEEL TO IT”
– STEVEN PRESSFIELD
Honor Your Experience
There isn’t very much that we have control over in our lives. For example, we cannot control the weather, traffic or other people (although some try). Though it may seem complicated, we can control our reactions to the many things we have no control over. You can have the ability to regulate emotions by responding to situations in a way that helps you rather than hurts you. Developing this skill will lead to more resilience by feeling emotions without letting them control your behavior.
The Source: After beating cancer for a second time, my doctor left me with two messages at my bedside. She said, “Mallika, I can’t explain this; your profile is an anomaly. What I can say with all certainty is that there must be a divine purpose over your life,” and then she left me this bible scripture, Mark 5:34. For the second time, by a second person, I had been given this scripture after beating the second source of cancer. I was overwhelmed by it all. There has to be some supernatural force that is strong with me. Something that shows me the way is not me on my Jedi mindset bullshit. I have always felt like there was more to my life, and now I was given a second chance for the second time. Now 35 years from my earliest memory of those thoughts, I still have difficulty figuring out that answer. There has always been unanswered, unexplainable anxiety in my gut about my life since I was young. I’m sure there’s a small group of “worry warriors” like myself out there. Maybe everyone has these burning questions as they move further into adulthood and closer to our end. Some go through great lengths to figure it out, while others lose the courage to question or face the brutal truths. Why am I here? Why did (XYZ) happen to me? What am I supposed to learn? Am I doing what I’m supposed to do? Am I living for my purpose? I know that there has to be some supernatural force that has protected me, kept me safe, and on MY path so that I can get here, to this point, to tell the story because my life was a fucking movie.
I used to be ashamed of my story. I would cringe when I would have to tell people where I came from, what I have been through, and how difficult my life was. I understand now that there is power in everyone’s story. I didn’t know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I had been taught at a very early age not to ask questions, not be so curious, not to talk so much. As a result, I didn’t know how to express myself well. I would lash out, turn into the HULK and smash the shit out of frustration. I didn’t understand my story. I didn’t know how to communicate my emotions and experiences. I didn’t know how to tell my story. I’d Code Switch so often and so much that if you had the privilege of getting close to me, you still wouldn’t know all the facets of me or the other faces of me.
The mask that I’d carry and wear. I concealed who I was for so long that I created a parallel universe, a world in which I didn’t have to honor my past. My world was full of new beginnings with NO meaning. A world without passion. A world without purpose. A world without peace. I now embrace all the feels, all the experiences and have made peace with the people and places that have shaped me. I had to do right by the inner voice, my spirit, and honor my experiences. I have to do my part. I have to tell my story. As the quote by Steve Jobs goes, “the most powerful person in the world is the storyteller” so, I figured it was time to honor my experiences and TELL THE FUCKING STORY! There is great power in everyone’s story.
The Spark: “Boy, I can’t wait for 5 o’clock to hit.” I thought as I sat staring at the clock on the computer while half-listening to a caller who describes his discomfort with the new version of windows on his computer. It had almost been nine hours that I’d been on the clock, and I was beginning to feel restless. Halfway through my call, I noticed I had missed a notification from Mallika. Mallika and I had been in the process of trying to get on a running schedule since the 30 beat by summer challenge (BBS) Ed had issued a few weeks prior. In my mind, I was hoping the missed notification was a declaration that her injured ankle had healed after being assaulted by Ed in an attempt to increase his chances for victory in the challenge.
“Could use some company” was the message I read in response to the message I had sent a few hours earlier. On the surface, this would appear to be a simple request as Mallika and I had been hanging out tough over the past week. In this time, I had seen her tried in almost every area of her life from physical discomfort, housing melee, family issues, and career crisis. A week I can only describe as the week from hell. I’m sure she felt the gamut of emotions but would not allow it to defeat her, only to be tired again. In an attempt to figure out the cause of the pain she had been feeling for a few days at this point, Mallika went to the doctor to get a prognosis. It would take a few days to get the results back from some of the tests she had done, but in the meantime, the doctor prescribed a drug for acid reflux. The medication would allow her to eat as she was also having pain whenever she ate.
The clock struck five, and I was out the door debating whether or not there was anything I needed from the room I was staying in before heading to Mallika’s. I was in the middle of a breakup and was trying to avoid crossing paths with my ex whenever possible. The last thing I was thinking about was the news that I was sure to get once I arrived at Mallika’s door. “So the test came back,” she said, “I’m not exactly sure how to say this, but I have Leukemia.” The first emotion I felt was confusion. Despite the best efforts of Ellen and Talia Castellano, I was very much ignorant as to what Leukemia was. However, I did know its face, so I thought it was usually Caucasian children about 5-13 years old. As mentioned earlier, Mallika was none of those, so I was lost. I had never heard of any person of color with the ailment.
Mallika later explained that Leukemia was a cancer of the blood, and at that moment, my jaw dropped, and my heart stopped. When she said she had Leukemia, I could tell from her tone and blank expression that she was still numb to the prognosis. I didn’t know the details of this type of cancer but what I did know is that we live in a time where most kinds of cancers could be overcome when caught early enough. I’m new to Leukemia, but I’m much more familiar with cancer than I’d like to be. Having two out of three of my close relatives survive cancer of various sorts, I’m familiar with the power of hope, love, and the desire to fight. I selfishly told Mallika, “I don’t handle this type of news well” because I honestly felt fear before I thought about the fight. After a few seconds of being completely speechless, I remembered the fight I saw my Auntie Gayneil fight, I remembered the fight I saw my Grandmother fight, and I remembered the battle my Auntie April fought. At that moment, it became clear to me that this was a fight and not a conclusion.
I realized, and I shared with Mallika, this isn’t going to be what takes you out. You are being tried, Just like you’ve been tried before in almost every area of your life, you’re going to get through this, and I’m going to be by your side every step of the way. All your life, you had to fight (lol) its silly, but it’s the truth. Gold is purified by fire, and this is your purification. I’ve seen few people with the strength and courage you’ve displayed throughout this whole ordeal. I know it’s that type of strength and courage required to make it through this thing, and like everything you’ve beat before, you’ve risen to the occasion. You are the inspiration to the dreamer to not only “Dream” big but also “DO” big. I love you, and whenever you need me, I’m in your corner.
“Just look over your shoulder, honey” (In my MJ Voice).
-W. Gulley
The Strategy: It’s essential to understand that our emotions and experiences are valid. If you tell yourself that you’re not allowed to feel, those emotions won’t disappear. Instead, they’ll show up in the ways you speak to yourself (my imposter syndrome), in the ways you behave (my Hulk alter ego), and in the ways you regulate emotions (my self-sabotage of many relationships). It isn’t always easy to recognize your feelings and not do anything in reaction to them. If you can practice accepting your feelings, you’ll notice that it’s easier to feel them. When you accept your feelings, it doesn’t mean that you have to be pleased with them. It also doesn’t mean that you have to be at peace with your current situation. Accepting your emotions means that you’re acknowledging the truth of what you feel. One way that I have developed this skill further is by practicing mindfulness skills.
Rather than pushing down your emotions, it helps if you can identify and label them instead. Once you label what you’re feeling as an emotion, you can say to yourself, “Right now, I am feeling frustrated,” and you’ll notice a new boundary begin to form where the emotion doesn’t feel so much like it’s controlling you. We tell ourselves stories about the semantics of emails, the odd looks we get, and what the future holds for us. The negative self-talk creates unnecessary suffering and frequently leads to negative thoughts rather than good ones. Instead, look at the situation without bias and consider other scenarios.
- You can change your current perspective by balancing your negative thoughts with positive ones. One way to do this is by changing your thoughts on a negative situation into a positive one.
- Permit yourself to have an excellent time, even if things feel like they’re falling apart around you. You can increase positive emotions by doing something that you enjoy.
- All feelings are valid. If you can practice accepting your feelings, you’ll notice that it’s easier to feel them.
- Mindfulness helps to focus us on the present moment. You can also develop this skill by practicing mindfulness skills. Going outside in nature is a path to mindfulness when you do it intentionally. Walk outside with the intent to simply notice.
- Observe your breathing. You don’t have to be a yogi or breathe in a certain way. If you can spend time simply noticing your breath, you’ll begin to feel calm.
Knowing how to regulate your emotions while honoring your past experiences is a powerful tool for resilience. This skill allows us to sit with our feelings and move on from them without making impulsive decisions. When you’re going through a stressful chapter of life, it can feel like everything is out of control. However, we can control your reactions. Remember, part of resilience is facing difficult things head-on. That can bring up some difficult emotions. Explore how to handle those emotions using the strategies above and let me know how it went. I hope that you will continue to join me monthly for these chats, and maybe one day, we can all “dream of never being called resilient again.”
The Catalyst Coach
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