4. Defining Moments of Resilience: Build Your Own Community
“CALL IT A CLAN, CALL IT A NETWORK, CALL IT A TRIBE, CALL IT FAMILY. WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU NEED ONE.”
– JANE HOWARD
Build Your Community
Building a strong support community strengthens your resilience. You don’t need to have many people in your support group, but it’s essential to reach out and make new connections as you grow and develop. Human connections are a strong catalyst for a meaningful life. When you are going through difficult times, it is extremely important to have a community that you can count on. Having others to share our highs and lows gives a stronger sense of purpose and acceptance.
The Source: It wasn’t until recently that I understood that family and community serve different purposes. Not having this understanding initially, I craved acceptance, belonging, and love from people that could not provide it. I didn’t understand why my immediate family didn’t fulfill those desires. At a very early age, I began to experience feelings of being an outsider inside my own family. I learned to suppress my authentic self, to not stand out or look different. I would hide my gifts, talents, and beliefs to avoid outshining others or bringing attention to myself. After college, I began to question those suppressed feelings when someone I had been dating told me that my family was holding me back. He said (out of anger and frustration) that I would never grow into my full potential and grow into what I was destined to be if I continued to stay in my circle and limit my interactions with others. As you can probably imagine, I didn’t take this very well. My family was everything to me and still is, but there was something about that statement that I couldn’t get out of my head.
This was a pivotal moment, and those words stayed long after he left. Several years later, I started to truthfully reevaluate my circle and understand the role that community and family play in my life. Of course, it took getting hurt by several family members on several different occasions, having money stolen from my purse, almost getting evicted, and standing before a judge facing a charge that I did not commit to learning this lesson. I now know that my born and chosen families are just as important. They are mutually exclusive but hold an important space in my life simultaneously. It wasn’t until I left my hometown and moved to another state that I began expanding my community and forming my tribe. Building relationships with other people outside of my family was complicated. It wasn’t a skill that I had, and it took some time before the right mix of people had their place in the right seat at the table. I am an empathic extrovert who seeks authentic relationships and individuals with whom I can learn from and sharpen my knife against. Those like minds, the complete opposites, and others that I admire and want to be more like all hold a unique space in my life. As the quote by Dan Pena goes, “show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”
The Spark: When someone close to you is diagnosed with something, it takes you back and makes you ponder things. When you are present for that diagnosis, it stirs up something totally different. It makes you go into protector and provider mode. It causes you to reach deep within yourself and make plans not just to be present emotionally or physically but also to be consistent, loyal, and dependable. I’m not the emotional type. I’m very light-hearted and rarely take anything seriously unless it has to do with business. However, I remember the enormous weight I felt in my stomach when the doctor was delivering the prognosis. I also remember the gigantic lump in my throat as I tried to swallow. I looked next to me, and Mallika was sitting up straight, poised, and asking the hard questions. I wanted to be a pillar of strength and say something intelligent that would ease her fears, yet all that would fumble out of my mouth was “yeah” and “uh-huh.”
The news that Dr. Lingerfelt said was utterly devastating. It was literally like you have cancer. You need to check in immediately and prepare to stay for the next 30 days. Forget about your job, do you want to have kids? If so, we will see what we can do. I’m starting you on chemo the day after tomorrow, you’re going to lose all your hair, and he ended with life as you know it will never be the same. He went down a line of seemingly all negative things, and he was shooting it all out of his mouth like darts. All I could do was hold her hand and tell her I would be there for her. Since I’m pretty straightforward, I have no problems saying I thought about myself for a while. I thought, “dang, we just booked this vacation to Disneyworld for next week. I wonder if I can get a refund on that?” So does this mean we aren’t making it to the beach this summer? Since you can’t drink, does that mean I can’t drink either?
Hey, cut me some slack. I’m an only child, so it’s usually always about me. I was concerned about how my life would look as well. Was I strong enough to endure what may lie ahead? Was I able to be compassionate and empathize with the process? Was I willing to be in the hospital daily or commuting from Columbia to Charleston more than I already was? There were dozens of questions swimming in my mind at one time, and I was trying to answer them all at one time. Then there was a moment when I glanced over at her, and she looked at me with just as many questions in her eyes. We locked in a trance for what felt like forever, and her eyes told me that I was strong enough to handle it and that she couldn’t do it without me. I immediately felt at ease, and a calming sensation took over my body. At that moment, an adage that my mother always says rang in my ears. God will never give you more than you can handle. I truly believed and felt that.
Through just this short time of this process, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I try to be strong for her, but when she cries, I cry. My heart aches for what she is going through now, but it rejoices for the victory that I know will be waiting for when this process is over. I am invigorated with life at how we both handle business during the day and then transition to relationship/family time in the evenings. This experience is causing us to talk more, connect more, relish the moments, and even laugh more. Honestly, I think that she is actually happy that she has me all to herself 24/7. What can I say… I’m not bad to look at, and I’m hilarious? I would probably want me to myself too. One thing that I know is that Stubbs is a fighter, and she’s also an overachiever. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s found the cure to AML by the time her chemo is done. She has overcome so much in her life that this is nothing more than a little bump in the road. She is destined for greatness, and she has no idea how to succumb to adversity. That trait alone will always make her a winner. That drive and passion is what makes me putty in her hands, and her tenacity for life is what has me knowing 100% that she will beat this thing and move on to have a happy life with me, of course.
~A. Owens
The Strategy: I wish I could say that A. Owens and I are still together, and that experience brought us closer. She was there in those moments that mattered most, and I understand that now. It is just as important to have people in your community serve as guideposts, cheerleaders, and supporters. These individuals can offer strength and support you during rough times. When you are tired and can’t find the strength to move on, they will remind you of your purpose. When you have overcome the greatest obstacles, they will celebrate with you. Building a community is a vulnerable thing because you have to reveal parts of yourself that show you might not be perfect.
To implement these strategies in your daily routine, you can call on people in your community to hold you accountable. Tell your friends your goals and when you would like to complete them. These connections add a stronger sense of purpose and meaning in life. It might feel scary at first and then feel freeing and relieving.
These techniques can build community if you begin implementing them today:
- Reevaluate your circle. Study the people around you and examine your relationships with them. Do they need to be closer? Do you need to meet more people? Are there ways you can open up?
- Strengthen connections. Bonding with friends is essential. Doing things you love with the people you love is a great way to build a stronger community. Invite your friends to lunch or other activities that you are interested in.
- Have a conversation. Getting to know your friends better will allow them to know you better. Try listening without responding to what they say—staying off your phone during these bonding moments.
- Join a group. You can find a group of like-minded people with similar interests. Meet up with them regularly. This will give you a group of people you can count on to do what you enjoy.
- Express gratitude for the people you DO HAVE in your life. Even if you only have a few. It isn’t easy finding good people so remember to tell the ones how much you value their friendship.
- Be authentic. Authentically should be the only way we show up for our community. Check-in with yourself and ensure you’re allowing yourself to be seen.
If you’re going through a tough time, you can rely on your community to provide motivation and suggestions. If you’re stuck and are unsure of what to do next, you can share those concerns with your community. They can offer new insight and give you ideas and answers you had not thought of. They can provide light in times of darkness, and you should do the same for them when they’re struggling. We all need people to have our back, and having a solid community allows us to do that while building resilience.
Long before I knew or heard the word resilient used to describe my actions, I tapped into my reliance reservoir, putting the above habits into practice. I grew up in poverty during the 80s on the east side of Cleveland during The Crack Epidemic. While most of us commonly associate the crack era with California and Boyz n the Hood or New York and the infamous movie New Jack City. Life for me in Cleveland was not a far cry from the most heinous scene you can think of in either of those movies. Life is rarely perfect, and sometimes it’s wildly chaotic, but life is always beautiful.
Being resilient will help you remember that through every dark time. Explore the strategies above and let me know how it went in the comments below. I hope that you will continue to join me monthly for these chats, and maybe one day, we can all “dream of never being called resilient again.”
The Catalyst Coach
.png)
Comments
Post a Comment